Starting Over
by AbbyO
Summary: S/V Post-"The Telling" 'fic. This takes places a month after the episode.


Title: "Starting Over"

Author: Abby O. (abbyo3@hotmail.com)

Category: S/V Angst Rating: PG-ish.

Summary: Post-The Telling. This takes places a month after the episode.

Spoilers: Second Double/The Telling

Disclaimer: Nope. None of these wonderful people are mine.

Feedback: Don't make me beg. g A/N: I won't even comment on the episode for fear of saying something incoherent or cursing excessively. LOL, I loved it to pieces but it nearly tore my sanity to pieces. Anyhoo, this is sort of a little improve I wrote during school. Enjoy!  
  
"Starting Over"

By Abby O.  
  
The candles in the living room were lit, just as they had been at around twn o'clock every evening. The soft lighting made her feel at ease, or at least she liked to think so. In reality, nothing could assuage the sheer agony that kept pounding away at whatever sanity she had left. Never in her life had she felt more lost and alone. In the past, Vaughn would be there to comfort her; he was her lifeline and her unwavering source of strength. He was the one person she had given herself wholeheartedly to even if she couldn't admit it to herself before or admit it verbally to him. It was impossible to do that now. Things were painfully different and she was positive that it was too late. He had another life. He loved somebody else.  
  
Sydney turned on the stereo and the haunting tunes of Sarah McLachlan filled the room. Situating herself on the couch, she stared at the roaring fire in the fire place and listened to the occasional sparks.  
  
Vaughn was married. _Married_. Of all the words she thought she would grow to despise in her life, 'Sloane' and 'Mom' to name a few, that certainly wasn't one that she expected. He was married to a woman named Christy Meyer for two months. The thought of Vaughn marrying this faceless woman tore at Sydney's insides and nearly made her want to vomit. She honestly felt physically sick that this entire nightmare was indeed real. He abandoned his search for Sydney and moved on with his life, as if what they had was so miniscule that it was easy to throw away...  
  
Sydney sighed and curled up even tighter under the fleece blanket she had thrown over herself. Sleepless nights were no longer uncommon in her life so she preferred spending her evenings on the sofa. Sometimes, her father or Weiss or Dixon would stop by to see how she was doing. She was never much for company. Often times, messages would accumulate on her machine as the annoying blinking red light taunted her whenever she passed by the kitchen. There was no need to check it. It was just another slew of people wondering if she was fine, feeling that the next thing that came out of their mouths would break her like she was made of glass. She didn't need the pity. She needed her goddamn life back.  
  
She knew it was unfair to accuse Vaughn of giving up on her, but she couldn't help but think that that's what he did. He had to move on, the rational side of herself told her. He had no idea if she was dead or alive. How could she expect him to spend the rest of his days devoted to finding her? The answer was so simple.  
  
If things were the other way around, I would've spent my entire life looking for you. I would've killed whoever was necessary to find you. I wouldn't have stopped...God, I never would've stopped until you came back home to me...  
  
The tears started up again though they were useless because her face had become feeling-less. She didn't want to feel angry, or betrayed, or hurt...but she did. She didn't want to love him as much as she did, but she didn't know how to love anybody else. She didn't want to love anybody else. She knew it was time to move on just like he did, but she couldn't find the strength nor the will to do so.  
  
Ever since her return, their conversations were short and strained. It was the same pattern every time: he would ask if she was okay, she would put on her infamous facade and tell him she was fine, then he would make up some excuse about having to leave. His eyes were always dark and elusive, his voice small and forced. The bright sparkling green eyes from before became an illusion that only existed in the past. Everything she thought she knew about Michael Vaughn had become an unreachable dream; a dream that became impossible to grasp when her entire life had been taken away from her two years ago.  
  
After a while, she had drifted off to a fitful sleep. Well into the night, she was awakened by a knock on the door. She slowly got up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. When she opened the door, she was greeted by a weary- looking Vaughn still dressed in his rumpled work clothes.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
He struggled to find the right words. "I...came to see if you were okay."  
  
"I'm fine," she answered steadily.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"I really don't think that's a good idea--"  
  
"Syd, please..." His eyes pleaded desperately with her and even after two years, she couldn't resist the anguish in his eyes.  
  
Slowly, she pulled the door back and let him inside. She followed him into the living room, crossed her arms and she immediately tensed at the look on his face. She knew her eyes were red and puffy from the crying and she looked absolutely miserable. However, she willed herself to stay strong.  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"You haven't carried on a conversation with me for more than two minutes in the past month and _now_, when it's convenient for you, you wanna talk?" Her anger felt as if it was indistinguishable. It had lain dormant in her mind for so long and tonight was not a particularly good night for a chat.  
  
"Syd, that's not fair..." he tried to explain, running his fingers through his hair.  
  
"Not fair? Tell me, Vaughn. When in my life have things ever been fair? Because unless you can point out a specific event that proves to me that there's even such a thing, I would put away the fairness card and pull out another one."  
  
He let out a sigh and looked at her. "I understand that you're angry."  
  
"I'm glad we got that cleared up," she spat.  
  
"You have to give me a chance to explain everything, Sydney! It's not like this has been a cakewalk for me either! I thought you were dead! And I looked for you...I drove myself _insane_ looking for you! There were days where your father or Kendall would come up with leads and I would follow through them, go over them with a fine tooth comb, and then I'd come up with NOTHING! The thought of losing you was unbearable and I didn't know what to do with myself half the time that I was even sober!" He was shouting now and the force of his words was cutting through her like a knife. The raw agony and emotion that she saw in his eyes and heard in his voice were overwhelming...it was too much...  
  
He let out a sigh and he could hear his heart pounding in his chest. After a few seconds, he continued on. "I dropped you off at your house, and kissed you goodnight...I left you there...if I had stayed, this never would've happened to you..." A solitary tear rolled down his cheek as he closed his eyes, tearing his gaze away from her. "If I had stayed over that night, things wouldn't be like this."  
  
Her own eyes were welling up with tears as well. How could he blame himself for what happened? The thought didn't even cross her mind. For the first time, she saw how truly broken he was and the image mirrored her own. She tentatively took a couple of steps towards him. "Vaughn...what happened to me isn't your fault. There's no way you could've known--"  
  
"But that doesn't change things, does it?" he said, meeting her eyes.  
  
"No, it doesn't."  
  
Neither of them spoke for a few moments for neither one knew what to say. "After a little over a year, I knew I needed to get my life together. I was a wreck and almost lost my job more than once. People kept telling me that you would want me to move on...to be happy...but how could I be happy? How could I be happy when you weren't there? For my own sanity, I needed to at least pretend that I moved on. And a part of me did," he whispered. "I met Christy and she was great and stable and...she put a sense of normalcy back into my life. We got married two months ago."  
  
Sydney swatted at her eyes and it was her turn to look away. "I'm happy for you," she managed to choke out.  
  
"Sydney..."  
  
She didn't respond.  
  
"Sydney, look at me," he said, tilting her chin up to look at him just as he did that night. 'Another day,' he had said. Her lips were quivering and her eyes were so empty. "It's always been you, Syd," he whispered. "There hasn't been a day when I don't think about us."  
  
"There isn't an us anymore, Vaughn," she said quietly. "You have a wife."  
  
"A wife I don't love."  
  
"She loves you. You married her. Your life is different now."  
  
"My life hasn't existed for two years!"  
  
She closed her eyes, letting all of this sink in. "What do you expect me to do, Vaughn? Ask you to leave her because I'm home, safe and sound?"  
  
"You don't have to ask," he whispered and showed her his ring-less left hand.  
  
She knew this wouldn't fix everything, but her breath still caught in her throat. Her eyes met his, surprised and bewildered.  
  
"I know it's going to take some time to...sort all this out and everything. But I'm here, Syd. And I'm not leaving you this time."  
  
* * * * * *

The End.


End file.
